Example Listing:
Jan Andersen, 46, Swindon, UK
I lost my 20-year-old son, Kristian, on 1 November 2002. He had taken a deliberate Heroin overdose and left two suicide notes. I would love to communicate with anyone, anywhere in the world, but am particularly interested in meeting up with local parents who have lost a child.
Code: 001
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Latest Postings.......
Marie, Northern Ireland
Marie 50, Northern Ireland
Hello my name is Marie. My story began 8 years ago in 2000 when my beautiful son David did that dreadful thing called suicide. He’s had a run in with his dad and brother the day before over a car of all things.
He was 22 years old and he had some problems, E’s being one of them. He thought he needed this because of his shyness. I spoke to doctor and got someone from the drug squad to come to my home to speak to him. He tried, he really did. I sent him away to Wales to be with his brother and away from his old crowd of friends. Wow, he came back great feeling good and I had my son back. He then met a girl and fell in love. After a while of going out with her, the girl told me how much she loved my son, so I told her not to hurt him as he was vulnerable. She knew about the E’s and I explained to her that my son had depression and felt suicidal and to please go slowly as I had just got my boy that I knew back.
Two months later, she was two-timing him and did it in his face. He cried hard to me. We were very close. I tried to keep him strong and she kept trying to get him back. On the 8th October 2000, he had the run in with his dad and brother. On 9th October 2000, he hung himself in an old shed up the lane from where we lived. I am sure you all know the devastation that comes. The police were very good; they are the people that found him.
I have left out bits and pieces of my story. That was a morning I will never forget. I was in the kitchen making a cup of tea thinking I will have this and watch the Trisha Show .David came downstairs.
I asked him what he had up his jumper and he said it was rubbish he wanted rid of and he went out the back door. The sign was there; I knew something was wrong, I felt it. He came back in and went back upstairs. I don’t know what made me go and call him about 15 minutes later. I got no answer. I went upstairs. He was not there. I looked everywhere. I felt scared and so I phoned a friend in the police. I told her what I was fearing. She told me to put the kettle on and that they would be there soon. It was lashing down with rain. I went up and down the lane, passing the shed and calling his name. Then Susan, the police friend, arrived with another police officer. Susan got me to make tea while the policeman went looking everywhere. A while later, Susan got a call on her phone. I knew it was about David.
She looked at me she said she would be back shortly as she had to speak to the policeman. I sat there. I knew, but I sat praying - not even praying - I was talking to God, “Please make this be ok.”
There were no tears, just fear. I must have sat there an hour until I had to know where they went, so I went looking. I found them at the old shed.
People think because it happened 8 years ago that I have got over it and that I should be. Well yes, after 4 years of living in limbo I have learnt how to cope. I had to, like everyone else. Have I got over it? No, a mother nor a father can ever get over this. I must have written 2 thousand letters to my son about how I was feeling, like my anger, the pain of missing him and the guilt. It did help to a degree, but then I wanted to talk to a mother that had gone through a loss like I had. No one else would do and it did help. We all reach out for help, or we would go insane. I miss my son so very much. It will always feel like yesterday and I have lived on for my four other children now and grandchildren.
I always read and keep my son’s picture in Romans Chapter 8, verse 27 to 31. I am not a good Christian woman. I wish I was and I don’t know why we go through what we do. I hope in some way my letter can help someone out there, or maybe you all can help me because I still need the help and always will. GOD BLESS YOU ALL. Please feel free to email me.
Code 067
Carol, UK
I lost my son aged 17 only three months ago Nov 2008 he hung himself in his bedroom. I found him and feel tortured by the flashbacks. I feel so alone, no one around me seems to be able to relate to my pain. I feel I am living life in a bubble just not relating to the outside world anymore. Nothing seems important anymore. I would like to speak with others who are survivors please get in touch.
Code 066
Jeff, Idaho, US
On November 23rd 2008, I received a phone call from my wife that I will never forget. I was out of town and just leaving Seattle heading back to Idaho when my wife called and told me to pull the car over. She then told me our son Ryan had taken his life. He was 17. It seems like my life also ended that day. Well, here it is February 09 and I can't seem to put my life back together. I miss him so much!! Do you think they would still do this if they knew how much it hurts the ones left behind? I would appreciate anyone’s feedback on how best to deal with this loss. I am at the point where I don't want to want to go on.
Code 065
Denise, Phoenix, Arizona, US
I would like to talk to others in my area that have lost a child to suicide. My son died. I am lonely sad depressed outraged guilty alone feel my live has forever been changed. I am in a lot of pain especially during the holidays. I have other kids. I almost feel like giving her away to a better person can't be a good parent after suicide. I don't know that I ever was. I hate the way he died I ache all over seems like time stopped that day. I hate when people tell me I have to grow - grow what? My child died. I feel bad; that is not self pity, it is sadness. I just don't get it, but this is now my life so I will live with it, not a choice I made, not a mistake, it just is. Does anyone else feel cheated and this way because I am tired of people telling how I feel when they don't get it; it just makes me sadder. It is not that I am mad - I am so very sad just don't know what to do with all this pain. Can’t go back or forward - time has stood still for me. I just keep being told that we have a choice to recover. God am I sick of that. It wasn't my choice, I didn't do anything, but sure I will carry this burden of pain I wouldn't wish on anyone to the grave. What is peace? I don't know. Where is God? I don't know and I am sick of people telling me how I should feel. I miss my child. I feel so much pain. I ache everywhere. I hate the way he died and I hate that he was in so much pain and alone and I couldn't help him. Can't anyone understand that? I am sad and I will be for a very long time. Now I just have to live with this pain and I hate it.
Code 064
Samantha, Milwaukee, WI, US
I'm Samantha and my friend Vicki committed suicide by locking herself in a hotel room and taking an overdose on 2 bottles of pills. The maid found her dead in the morning. Her family, nor mine would tell me what was in the bottles. They didn't even know if they should tell me right away what happened because I have been suicidal myself. I found out a day later. I couldn't believe it. I knew she had a mental illness, but she never spoke of suicide before. I did go to her funeral. She seemed so peaceful lying there. I talked to and hugged her mother and sister, then I went back to my mom and collapsed in her arms. A few days later Vicki's sister asked me to go to lunch with her. She wanted to see if
she could understand what Vicki was thinking and what she was going through when she made the decision to die. She asked me because I have the same kind of mental illness as Vicki had. I tried to talk to her about what you go through when you have a mental illness and how sometimes you just can't take it anymore. I don't know if I helped her understand, but I hope so.
I miss Vicki so much. It was just her birthday on October 4. I always miss her on her birthday and on July 20, the day she died. I'm sure those are the days you all miss the ones you loved too.
I have no one to talk with about this. Neither her family or mine ever talk about it. I never talked to her sister about it again. I know this probably doesn't sound right, but sometimes I wish it was me instead of her. She had so much to live for. I wish I could have talked to her before she did this.
I really need to talk to people who will understand.
Code 063
Posted 8 October 2008
Hilary, London, UK
May 5th 2008 my 13 year old daughter had a slight argument with her two older sisters. She came into the room where I was working on the computer, flopped onto the sofa and said "Those two are so annoying". I did not even look at her. It was, I thought, just the usual bickering amongst siblings. She jumped up and stormed off upstairs, she didn't shut her bedroom door, she looped a dressing gown cord over the corner of her wardrobe and hanged herself. She died in hospital May 7th 2008.
There were moments during those hours at the hospital when felt as though we were in a bad film, speaking corny lines. I now realise we were in shock, it was a ghastly nightmare that would end eventually. Of course there is no end. After reading other people's accounts of losing a loved one, I can see that this pain and sadness is with us forever. The coroner gave a verdict of misadventure, an impulsive action of a child.
The guilt I feel is constant. My child's death has caused me to review my whole life, all the bad choices, decisions and unfortunate circumstances. I do feel it would have been better if I had not been born so that my children and family would not have had this tortuous experience. I feel ashamed that I feel sorry for myself, of the childish "I don't want to play anymore", attitude I have to life, My two remaining daughters are amazing, they are getting on with their lives and are coping with the loss of their little sister. Although they argued, they loved each other and spent hours dressing up, singing, dancing and making each other laugh. I have been told that young people deal with bereavement differently from adults and parents in particular, because they have the hope of their lives ahead of them. Which explains why, at 49,years and divorced, I am taking anti-depressants and sleeping tablets daily. Life is something other people enjoy. I can still see and hear beautiful things, but I can't apprecite them. I know I have to go on for my children, but given the choice I would sleep forever. People say it gets better, how can it ?
Code 062
Posted 13 September 2008
Mike Minarchan, Las Vegas, Nevada
On the morning of March 10, 2005 my 14 year old nephew Aaron was hospitalized with (what we were told) a Petit Mal Siezure. I recieved the phone call from his Dad at 8:20am, telling me Aaron was in the hospital after having some kind of siezure on the athletic field. I lived 25 minutes away from the hospital, and I couldn't get there fast enough. Aaron's Dad (Ron) and I arrived at the exact same time, however believing Aaron was going to be alright, I told Ron to go in and see his Wife & Son and I would wait in the ER waiting room. I was greeted by every member of the school's administrative staff, everyone from the Principal to one of his counselors. I asked what happened, and his PE teacher spoke up with an explanation. We went outside to smoke a cigarette, and while explaining his account, he smoked 3 cigarettes to my one. Ron came out to get me, and I intorduced him to Aaron's PE teacher. We were both told by this teacher he had performed CPR on Aaron, and he was in a semi conscious state.
When I saw Aaron in the ER he was not awake or conscious, and the nurses said he wasn't upon arrival. He was transferred to another hospital with a Pediatric ICU unit, which is where we found out the horrible truth. Aaron did not have any kind of siezure, he had suffered a Full Cardiac Arrest, he was in a Coma, on Life Support, and being listed in Grave Condition. Four of the worst days of my life had passed seeing my
On Sunday March 13, the 5th doctor examined Aaron and we were given more bad news. We were told his liver & kidneys were starting to fail, and a decision needed to be made quickly. Aaron was removed from Life Support at 5:05pm, and I was with him when he left us at 9:45 that night. It was not until his Funeral four days later that some of his classmates told us the truth about what really happened. Aaron's PE teacher thought he was joking around, and did NOTHING to save him. The school nurse admitted she had to use her AED unit FOUR times just to get him back. And he was never awake.
Our family was so caught up in the loss of Aaron, we never took into account his girlfriend Christi needed us. I had known Christi McMahan for almost 8 years, and her Father was my best friend until 2002 when he died of Lung Cancer. Christi lived 380 miles away in Sparks NV, and had spoken to Aaron the night before this happened to him. Aaron had planned to go up to Sparks for her birthday, and spend part of their Spring Break together. After Aaron's Funeral Christi had a nervous breakdown, and ended her own life on March 23, 2005. Two days after her 17th birthday. The last entry she made in her diary and in her goodbye note was, "I hope God will forgive me for what I am about to do, but I don't want Aaron to be lonely in Heaven"
Three years and 5 months have passed, and I still see the horrible image of my Nephew dying while I held his hand. I have a degree in Clinical Child Psychology, and my field of specialty was youth suicide intervention. I still feel terribly guilty that I was so depressed by the death of my Nephew, that I wasn't there when Chrisi needed me the most. Her younger Brother and Sister have told me numerous times I probably couldn't have saved her, but being a trained professional I didn't even try. I have never had so much hatred toward anything, as I have for Aaron's PE teacher. He could have been a hero, and none of this would have happened. I actually thought about killing him at one point, but that wouldn't bring my Nephew or Christi back. After over two years I got him fired from the Clark County School District, and he lost his pension and teaching credentials, but that doesn't satisfy me anymore.
There are still times I feel so depressed and guilty, it is almost overwhelming. I am hoping that interacting with others who have gone through the same or similar, will somehow help me get passed some of my demons.
Code 061
Posted 7 August 2008
Jill
Hi. My name is Jill and I am 27. My youngest brother, Mark, committed suicide Feb, 26th 2008 by shooting himself. He was 23. I have 2 other brothers (one younger and one older), and an older sister- And then there is my mom, dad, and step-dad…. All hurting.
Mark was at college when he took his life. It was early in the morning, and he had just spoken to my mom- sounding happy- telling her that he was about to go to school. He shot himself not even an hour later. The first time I saw him lying there, so still in that casket- My world started spinning, and quickly went black.
It is just now sinking in, and it still does not seem real. The overwhelming heavy weight of pain and longing is still haunting me. He was just so precious- we were so close- and I miss him terribly. I find myself going crazy at times, lashing out on my wonderful and loving boyfriend- and I can’t seem to get anything done anymore. I cry so hard, it seems that there is a raging storm in my soul that will never quiet, or stop from flooding my eyes. This happens every night.
I've started reading books recommended to me by family and friends….etc...These seem to help, but cannot change the natural human…sister…reaction to losing your little brother. They do, however, give me a clearer understanding and acceptance of life, purpose, and the afterlife we all will know.
Through this, I am also realizing how amazing it is, how much we can go through, as survivors- even though we “knew” we could not survive. We “knew” that we would never make it through the day. I guess that is why God gave us individual strength within ourselves- to share and come together as a greater whole. The circle of life….A circle of friends, with broken hearts. This heart broken from missing Mark. I know I cannot get through this on my own….and would love to talk with others. THANK YOU, Jan, for this site. *hugs* to all of you…
Code 060
Posted 22 May 2008
Mary, Florida, US
My brother, Doug, shot himself April 12, 1987, after the break-up with a girlfriend. It's been 21 years, and I finally feel strong enough to help others who are trying to get through the suicide of a loved one.
In the early days, I remember wanting 'answers' more than anything, and would have loved to have someone to talk to..........of course, the Internet didn't exist then! This is a great site and an important resource for grief-stricken family members.
I'd be happy to talk with anyone dealing with a suicide.........especially siblings.
Code 059
Posted 16 April 2008
Mo, Huyton, Liverpool, UK
My son Jason was supposed to have hung himself in Spain on the 21 october 2004. He left behind 3 daughters and 1 son who he loved very much. He also had 1 sister and 2 brothers who miss him so very much. I would like to get in touch with others in a similar situation.
Code 058
Posted 16 April 2008
Deanna, Eden, NC
My name is Deanna Campbell from Eden, NC. My son was 19 when he took his own life by hanging himself in his bedroom closet. He left me a 1 yr old grandson. I love my grandson very much but I can't seem to move on. I stay in such pain and I don't know how to live without my son. He was my life; it was just him and I as his father died when he was 3. I built my life around my son and now that he is gone I don't know who I am. I need help, I don't know how long I can live with this pain, how long I can keep acting like everything is okay. I have no one and am in desperate need of a friend that understands.
Code 057
Posted 1 April 2008
Brenda, Centralia, Missouri, US
A long story as most are. On Jan.29th 2008 my son shot himself in the head doing Russian roulette. Because of the circumstances I have a really hard time saying it was suicide. As a very newly bereaved mother I don't know where to turn. I do have close relatives and friends in the same situation, but sometimes I just want to reach out to strangers. I as really looking for someone to meet close to where I live, but at this point I am reaching out where ever I can.
Code 056
Posted 4 March 2008
Diana, US
It has been 179 days since the Brooklyn Park Police called, while on a business trip in Vegas, to tell me that my son was dead. A single bullet to the temple and my baby boy was gone. From that moment, all semblance to the life I had known, ceases to exist.
It was as though a serrated knife had been impaled into my heart, imprisoning me into a state known as "Dead Man Walking."
Someone recently explained my grief as, "The amount of pain this grief has brought you, is equal to the amount of love your heart holds for your son." Wow, no wonder it is so disabling.
I am thankful for a site like this, as I am alone in my struggle for sanity and some kind of peace. Divorced and my only daughter living across the country, I truly do not know where to turn. The only thing I know for certain is that I can no longer feel the powerful embrace of his big hugs, nor his gentle kisses, nor will I ever hear his sweet, last words to me, "I love you Mommy" for my baby boy is gone.
Jeremiah Mark, 1- August, 1978 - 1- August 2007 On his birthday.
Code 055
Posted 4 February 2008
Kristi, Northern Minnesota, USA
Updated message:
The one year anniversary is upon us and the pain is worse than last year, for last year we were in shock and numb. There were people around constantly. This year, the pain is piercing, gut wrenching, impossible. And where is everyone??? We feel very alone. Missing David is all that I can do, crying is all that I can do. It is so hard. The holiday season will forever by the anniversary of our sweet David leaving us. The holiday season will never again bring to me the joy that it did throughout my entire life. I used to LOVE Christmas and spent so much energy on the celebration of it. No more, never again. But, where is it written that Jesus was born in December???? Perhaps I will start doing my own Christmas in June ! Jesus will be okay with it, of that I am sure. He doesn't care when we celebrate his birth, just that we do. But, I cannot celebrate his birth and grieve my son's death at the same time. Cannot be done.
Original message:
Our beautiful 18-year-old son David took his own life on Dec 12, 2007. He shot himself; we do not know why and we are lost. This is such a nightmare, one that we cannot wake from. I cannot imagine getting through this either physically or mentally. When he shot himself, he also shot us ~ his dad, his 21-year-old brother, myself along with all who loved him. I am so sad, so angry and so physically ill. I cannot go back to work, as I cannot concentrate to do my job and have been diagnosed with post traumatic stress syndrome. I want to be able to function again, to live again, but I do not see how. My husband is having such a hard time, as he found our son, lying dead in the snow, frozen after having shot himself. That is an image he cannot erase from his mind. I am so glad, though that I found this site. I need to talk with other parents who have been or are going through this:
Code 054
Posted 4 February 2008
Nora, Berkshire, UK
My son Peter was 30 years old when he ended his life. On the 7th September 2007 at 9.15pm my beautiful and precious child threw himself in front of an express train. Depression had blighted his life for some years and robbed him of his self-esteem and self-worth. Frustration with his inability to cope with life caused him to turn on himself. Peter was a beautiful person with a beautiful heart. He would always try to make others feel comfortable and at ease in his company. He had a fantastic sense of humour and entertained all he met. He was so generous and would give freely to others if he saw a need. The family pet – a Labrador/Ridgeback Cross dog called Leo who had been a member of the family for 12 and a half years – had a great bond with Peter and seemed to sense his despair. The vet had to put Leo to sleep within 15 hours of Peter’s death.
I never knew something could hurt as bad as this! It’s as if someone has cut my limbs off and put me on a different world! My baby is gone from me and miss him so much.
Code 053
Posted 7 November 2007
Ty, Ohio, US
Hi my name is Ty and I live in the USA. On June 6th, 2007, I went to wake my 17 year old son Brandon up for school. I found him hanging by a rope with a t-shirt around his neck. I have not been the same since. I started grief counselling right away and I guess it works because I'm not with Brandon right now. His 15 year old sister is taking it so hard that I'm afraid for her to do the same thing. I'm driving myself crazy with this so I got online and found this site. I even became online friends with a woman from the UK with a very similar story. We chat all the time and that seems to help a lot. It’s been 3 months and 9 days and the investigators still have not determined the cause of death as a suicide, or an accidental death due to a game called the choking game or hanging game kids are playing. We had 500+ of his friends and family at the showings. He was loved by so many that everyone thinks it was the hanging game and he played it by himself and never woke up. THANK YOU FOR YOUR SITE, I KNOW YOU HAVE HEARD THIS BEFORE BUT (I DO KNOW HOW YOU FEEL) Rip: to everyone who left before his time was up. I would like to chat to other parents in a similar situation.
Code 052
Posted 20 September 2007
Heather, Columbus, Georgia, US
Hi, My name is Heather and I lost my brother to suicide on February 21, 2007. He was 39 years old and we were very close. He left a 6 year old son behind. I am heart broken and I miss him so very much. I have been suffering from panic attacks and felt very depressed. I have never been depressed before. He was being treated for depression. However, we find out after he died that he had taken himself off his medication. We found this out from his psychiatrist. We had him hospitalized last April and then he went to rehab at Ridgeview Institute in Atlanta for two months after we found out that he had been abusing a prescription drug. (oxycontin) We thought that he had the tools now to deal with his addiciton and problems and was doing much better. (after Ridgeview) The suicide was a complete shock. I beat myself up wondering why I did not see this coming and why someone could not stop it. I feel so lost and abandoned. I would love to talk with anyone who is interested in talking with me.
Email: Lippheatherchris@aol.com
Code 051
Posted 18 June 2007
Megan, US
I recently lost my husband Aaron age 39 on 2/23/07 to suicide. He leaves behind a 7 and 5 year old daughter. I would like to talk with other parents who are in the same situation.
Code 050
Posted 26 April 2007
Vicki, Farmington, New Mexico, US
I am very thankful for your web site. My only son hung himself on March 12, 2006. I miss him so very much that often I wish I could join him.
Code 049
Posted 26 March 2007
Sabrina, Texas, US
I am Sabrina. I live in Texas. My daughter hung herself, in our living room, oct.25, 2003. I am still having a hard time. I feel I am not doing enough to honor her. She was so full of life, I don’t understand. Her father also hung himself Sept 9, 2004. We were married 15 years. We had been divorced 2 years when he died. I want to understand why all this had to happen. I am a Christian. I still teach Sunday school, and go to church. However, I am having trouble growing as a Christian, and have not been as faithful as I used to be. I feel like people don’t care about what I am going through. I know I am blessed to have another daughter and a son. But I still miss Erica so much at times, I don’t think I can make it another day. I have remarried and have a wonderful husband. He is a very grounded Christian. And has adopted my daughter. But the pain of what Johnny did to himself is sometimes very hard to handle also. Even though I love my husband very much, I miss the short years I had with Johnny and Erica. I am very worried about my 2 other children. Adam is 19 and in college. Stormie is 13 and very much like Erica. Thank you for your time,
Code 048
Posted 20 March 2007
Jennifer
My name is Jennifer and I lost my brother, Todd, to depression 1/31/07. Todd was 36; an extremely successful father, husband, brother, and son. He was a CPA, MBA, with a beautiful home and no debt. He attended the best universities on a full ride. He never drank or did drugs. He was the soccer coach and cub scout leader, and was even voted most likely to succeed in high school. Logically, you would look at his life and believe it was charmed. However, Todd had an undiagnosed bi-polar disorder. I don't believe he "committed" anything, I rather believe depression happened to him. He didn't know what was wrong, and really tried the last 8 weeks to get help. I have a lot of anger and the mental health professionals, we simply trusted them. I am just so overwhelmed in grief. I feel like I should have known more about the disease. If anyone can relate, I would welcome the chance to talk with you. I just don't know how to process this for a lifetime - the pain is intense.
Code 047
Posted 16 March 2007
Wendy, Nottingham, UK
Hi, My name is Wendy. I lost my 16-year-old son on the 17th November 2006. My husband and I returned home to find he had hung himself on the stair banister. He seemed so happy and full of life so we can’t stop wondering why as he didn’t leave us a note. The whole family find it hard to cope and we would like to talk to anyone who is going through this sort of grief. We can’t come to terms with this, so any help would be great.
Code 046
Posted 9 March 2007
Ida, Oshawa, Ontario, Canada
My only son, Gary, was 36 years old when he took his life with a single gunshot to his heart. He had gone through a series of heartbreaking events and just couldn't handle life any more. He was so loved by so many that there was an hour and half line up at the funeral home. His casket had many momentoes that his friends had left with in the casket with him. A little 5 year old girl put a bag of chips beside him in his casket because Gary used to bring her something when he came to visit her parents. He never knew he had so many friends. In one suicide note he had left, he asked that some people be notified of his death because he didn't think anyone would show up at his funeral. My pain is overwhelming. It is indescribable. I guess people do go on.
Code 045
Posted 28 February 2007
Kimberly
Hi, my name is Kimberly Harper. I lost my precious daughter Danielle to suicide March 31st 2006 she was only 22 yrs old and was pregnant with my first and only grandchild, a boy to be named Braiden. The loss I feel is so hurtful and painful, I just don’t know how to feel anymore. It has been almost a year and still no relief from the horrible pain I suffer, along with my family. She shot herself in a church parking lot fighting with her husband. I blame him so much for what she did. I know I shouldn’t, but I still do. He wanted a divorce from her and she left a note stating that if she couldn’t live with him, she didnt want to live any longer. If they would have made it there five minutes sooner they could have saved my grandchild, but that never happened, so I lost two dearly beloved people at one time. I need help through this trying time in my life. I still have a 20-year-old son to live for and I need strength to do it. I just wanted to write to you all and get some feedback. Hopefully the pain I feel will ease in time but for now I must keep going.
Code 044
Posted 28 February 2007
Pam, Reedsburg, Wisconsin, US
I lost my son, Arnie 12-27-80/12-31-06, on 12-31-06. He committed suicide by driving his car in to a wall at a very high speed. He did not leave a note. He was not a drinker or drug user but was going through a divorce. He was finally starting to get his life together when she returned home only to leave again. I believe the pain for him was too overwhelming. I have horrible guilt because I was angry with him for trying to get back together with someone who was so mean to him and only thought of herself. I told him days before that it would take time to accept her back but I would in time if he could just give me a little time. He took his life on New Year's Eve with no note no goodbye. He had just turned 26 on Dec. 27. I miss my son and would just like to hear from others how they deal with the pain.
Code 043
Posted 1 February 2007
Pat, Lancaster Co. PA
My son Joe took his life on Thanksgiving Day, Nov. 23, 2006. He was 22-years old. As with all other parents the never ending question of WHY remains. Joe struggled with drug addiction for eight years. He had been in and out of rehab centers seven times. He went from one drug to the next, each one being worse than the one prior. He eventually ended up shooting heroin into his veins. He hated everything about drugs, but was powerless over them. He had told me that ending his life was better than living the one he had. His father and I never thought he would do that, however, because we were extremely close and he knew that we would do anything we could to help him. When we
received the phone call that evening, we were devastated, and still are. Joe was well loved by us and also his brother and two sisters, who are also suffering through this difficult time.
We welcome any advice or words of encouragement from anyone who has also
suffered a similar situation.
Code 042
Posted 16 January 2007
Melissa
My nephew was only 22 when he took his own life on 12 December 2006, 7 days after his birthday. He was on crack and hung himself outside on the tree that he and my brother planted together when he was little. He told his mom if she didn’t let him in the house he was going to hang himself, but he had said it before so she thought he was crying wolf again. He came back the second time and told her to look out the window and she would see him. She looked out and he did it. She blames herself for not letting him in. She was scared to let him in because she knew he was high. They tried getting help for him. They tried everything. Please help my family. He was their life and the only child.
Code 041
Posted 21 December 2006
Amy, Indianapolis, US
In April 2006 I lost my 28 year old brother in law David to suicide and it has torn apart my family. He had 2 children ages 7 and 9 who are having a hard time with this. I was very close to him and my fiance was bestfriends with him. We know why he did it and it still hurts so bad and I don't know how to go on. He had marital problems and his wife had been cheating on him so they were on and off again for awhile. He had slit his wrist a couple of times when she left him. They got back together and then he was working and fell thru a roof crushing the bones in his right arm and had to have multiple surgeries and therapy. He also was on alot of pain medication for all the pain he was in and that contributed to his state of mind when he shot himself in the cheek. His wife was leaving him again and he felt he just couldn't take it anymore. He was still alive after it happened but had very little brain activity and was taken off life support a day later.He didn't leave a suicide note so we still do have questions to whether he really meant to do it or not. It's so hard to believe that someone so full of life would do this. We all blame ourselves maybe we could've done more-someone should've took the gun.....what if? Now my sister ran off with that guy and move 12 hours away so I don't talk to her and I never get to see my precious niece and nephew. Email: amymcg13@yahoo.com
Code 040
Posted 10 December 2006
DeAnna, Avon Pk, Florida, US
I lost my son Kyle, 16 on Nov 7.2006. He hung himself in our garage. He seemed so full of life and had made plans for his future. We are all left with WHY! I am looking to contact other parents with similar situation, as a part of greiving and support.
Code 039
Posted 1 December 2006
Liz, UK
My name is Liz Taylor. My 17-year-old daughter, Carina Stephenson committed suicide on 18th May 2005. She had been in communication with people on the Pro Suicide Chat rooms. There were no signs of depression before her death the shock of what happened was devastating, not only to friends and family but the whole close knit village, most of whom knew Carina and our family. Nothing about her death made any sense. I spent months reading through Carina’s emails, conversation histories and retracing the sites she'd visited on the net. She'd made a pact with three other girls; that if one of them committed suicide then the others would follow. Thank goodness they didn’t! Carina's death is only the tip of the ice berg. There were 85 people she was in contact with, maybe more I don’t know about yet. I'm looking for anyone who suspects that their loved ones were on the internet before their death.
Jan has very kindly put a petition link to a campaign I’m running to try to ban these sites. The last thing a vulnerable depressed person needs is someone on a pro suicide site presenting suicide as their only option and then going into graphic details on how to achieve this. In order to try to give my son a 'normal' life I have to mentally block myself from thinking about it. When I allow myself to, I get what feels like a massive electrical shock zip through my body and I can’t bear the pain. Has anyone any idea how long it will be before I get over the 'shock' and be able to grieve.
Code 038
Posted 31 October 2006
Michelle, Los Lunas, New Mexico
On September 23, 2006 I lost my precious, loving, giving daughter to a single gun shot wound. She was 14 years old. I am having problems with the question "why"? I miss her so much and knowing that I will never have the opportunity to watch her grow through life makes me very sad. I don't understand and I am having a very hard time getting through each day. It seems like every day gets harder and harder. I know I have to be strong for my two younger kids who need me, but its very hard. I would love to talk with anyone who is going through this. I feel like I am on a long road to hell.
Code 037
Pat, Newbury, UK
My husband and I live in Newbury in Berkshire. Our son Michael hung himself in August 2004. He had been very depressed since the beginning of 2004 after he found his partner in bed with his best friend. She left him and took their daughter to live with the friend, so he lost three of the most precious people in his life. Michael was 29. He was a very kind sensitive person who was loved by a lot of people.
Code 036
Jamie, US
My Husband and I buried our firstborn, Chris, two years ago, when he took his life Oct. 1, 2004. He was 13. Chris was a sensitive, intelligent child raised in a loving home, so when we try to sort out the questions raised by this senseless act, it brings nothing but despair--One day, long after the
funeral, long after the well-wishers had gone, I found myself asking, over and over again, WHY?? At some point, as if he were standing there himself, I heard him say, "I didn't mean to hurt you, Mom". Well, of course that really didn't bring much comfort, but as time went by, I feel like he told me many times "THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU" so gradually, I have come to feel that we have done our best to raise him well, and my best gift to him would be to let him go. We firmly believe in a spirit world and know that letting him go does not mean "gone", and even though we miss him ever so deeply, we can all continue to move forward again. We, along with our daughters, ages 13 and 7, have found a great deal of support just by sharing with others who want to listen. Sometimes that comes in the form of friends, some family members, counselors and support groups. Reaching out of my comfort zone has been the hardest, but I am grateful that we have these "networks", because it is so easy to feel alone . I have lost contact with old friends and many of my family because they "just don't understand" so we must continue forward, finding new friends, trying not to look back, trying to improve ourselves daily.
Code 035
Mary, Valley Center, California, US
On September 4th, 2006 just a few days ago, I lost my son to suicide. He shot himself while I was out with family friends. When I returned home..the note on his door said he was going to take a long nap. I panicked..his door was locked. I frantically began to bang on the door and when I got it open he was nowhere to be found. The family gun was gone and so was he. It was dark and we live close to the mountains so I knew he had gone off into them but I didn't know where he was, if he was bleeding to death or already dead. I screamed and cried all night hoping he would come home. As the hours passed I dreaded the worst. At 5AM the next morning I called out the search and rescue team..as they wouldn't come in the dark. They found him behind my home..in a small canyon, with a bullet wound to the head. I cannot eat, sleep or function. No one seems to understand the all encompassing pain, darkness and emptiness that I feel inside. I would love to talk with or meet someone in my area who has recently suffered this pain. I need help believing that I have a reason to live. I will talk with anyone who needs to share their tragedy, maybe we can help each other.
Code 034
Tana
I the grandmother of Michael Ryan Dautriel, who left this world on September 4, 2004, by means of suicide, by hanging. I have no one who can relate or be empathic to what I am feeling. This tragedy has changed each person in our family and the dynamics of our family. I am still in shock, going throught the motions of living but with no joy or real interest in life. I do need a place that I can connect with others, like myself, who are trying to deal with this kind of loss and still find the reasons and purposes in each day to go on. I am also raising two grandsons who are nine and ten and they deserve and require my full involvement, but it is hard to grieve and be there for your
family to the extent that is needed.
Code 033
Posted 3 September 2006
Jane, Cobb County, GA
I'm trying to find help (group support) for my sister who lost her son to suicide. She is alone and can not afford medical counseling. Does anyone know of support groups in Cobb County, GA?
Code 032
Posted 31 August 2006
Dottie
My beautiful, brilliant, tender-hearted 20-year-old son was being treated for a paranoid schizophrenic disorder and wanted to be normal, healthy and accepted again. He was on several medications which may have contributed to his sudden impulsive behavior. I found him hanging in our garage when I returned from an errand on Sunday, July 16. I would like to communicate with others who have endured this heart break. My condolences to all of you on your immeasurable loss.
Code 031
Posted 10 August 2006
Kaylene
Sept 9 2005 my stepdad hung himself. I can't take the guilt anymore & I am always mad at him. Why did he do it while I was home? He tried once while I was home & I caught him. So then he tried again & did it. I need some one to talk to who can understand.
Code 030
Posted 7 August 2006
Danielle
I lost my Dad just this July 30th 2006 to suicide. I am so lost and need someone to talk to that knows about this kind of pain. He died in his garage from exposure of gas and carbon monoxide. My heart is broken into a million pieces if any one can help please email me.
Code 029
Posted 5 August 2006
Merry, Mcdonough, GA, US
I lost my 27 year old son on June 28, 2006. He hung himself. To my knowledge there was no suicide note. We have yet to clean out his apartment and may find one when we do. He was suffering from schizo-affective disorder and was not on his meds. I know that he had been having major psychotic episodes and I feel that was what caused him to take his life. I would like to communicate with anyone who has had a similar situation.
Code 028
Posted 7 July 2006
Charlotte, Memphis, US
I lost my 29 year old daughter, Cynthia, 10 months ago, by her suicide with massive amount of her medication & alcohol. She had a chronic disability, rheumatoid arthritis, survived multiple rapes, and lived in rage & anger...yet was really a wounded, precious soul. I would love to hear from anyone who is surviving a suicide, and trying to find meaning in
life for themself. I will answer.
Code 027
Posted 7 July 2006
Sandra, UK
I lost my precious son Bryan aged 28 on Monday 22 May 2006. He hung himself. This has been made worse by the fact that I discovered his body and keep having flashbacks. I would be grateful for contact with anyone who has experienced anything similar.
Code 026
Posted 23 June 2006
Kelly, California, US
On June 6, 2006 my 19 year old son Ryan hung himself in our garage. My 17 year old daughter was the one that found him. He left a note which I have not been able to bring myself to read. Those that read the note said he told how much he loved me and didn't want to hurt me, and that he had felt like ending his life for as long as he could remember. I never expected this... I guess no one ever does. He was my best friend and I am left wondering why he couldn't talk to me. I would appreciate email from parents who are dealing with the same.
Code 025
Posted 20 June 2006
Amanda, East Sussex, UK
Our 11-year-old niece has just been found dead. She had hung her self in her bathroom.
The police are investigating. Please could you tell me have you ever heard of a child this age taking her own life? We are all heart sick.
Code 024
Posted 16 June 2006
Bonnie, Ind, US
I lost my son to suicide by hanging himself on April 17,2006. he was 38 years old, a fantastic son, husband,brother and father of two boys and a girl,plus had custody of two children all who adored him.He was always fun loving and spent his free time with his family 4 wheeling and dirt bikes and just having fun with them. He had the perfect job, nice house, nice cars. He never left a note and was playing football with the kids just before this happened. I have lots of questions and no answers. Sometimes I wonder if I will be able to get thru the next minute. Anyone that can help will be greatly appreciated. Thank You. Bonnie.
Code 023
Posted 27 May 2006
Leslie, South Dakota, US
I lost my brother William "Misun" Crow Eagle II to suicide on May 9, 2005. He was 21 yrs old and his birthday would have been in six days. I'm two and half yrs older than William. It's been a year since he took his own life. I miss him everyday. Sometimes it's hard without my brother. He was my only sibling. I'm hopfully someone out there could help me get through or how they got through with their siblings suicide or death. Thank you for listening and email for any advice for me at lesliesigala@hotmail.com
Thank you, Leslie.
Code 022
Posted 8 May 2006
Monica, South Dakota, US
My name is Monica Sigala I am from The Rosebud Sioux Reservation, (Lakota Native American) South Dakota, USA. My son took his own life on May 9, 2005, 6 days shy of his 22nd birthday.
It had to do with a girlfriend, which I think is not that bad, but who am I to judge? I do know that someday this girl will have to face her Creator and when she does, she will have blood on her hands and the Creator will ask her what happened and I hope and pray that she can ask for forgiveness to lighten her darkened soul and heart.
Code 021
Posted 6 May 2006
Tisa, Indianapolis, US
My name is Tisa my son Adrian committed suicide on Oct. 23,2004 (my birthday). He was 17 days shy of his 13th birthday. He hung himself in his closet. One of his older brothers found him. I tried to get him down - the other older brother came in and cut him down (I don't remember him even coming into the room). I saw his life leave his body. I lost my breath and a part of me died that day. I can not even begin to explain the range of emotions I have felt and feel. My heart has died many many times. I hold all of these feelings in because no one around me truly understands. Yes my husband has lost a child also, but its different. My sons have lost a brother, but it is different. I do not mean less important, just different. If they really knew how I felt I would be put in a padded room for a while. I have been the strong one through all of this and I am tired. I just want to cry. Finally I want to cry for my son. I need to talk with other mothers. Adrian was an all consuming child. He had behavorial disorders ADHD and ODD and they suspected bi-polar. From the time Adrian was born he demanded all of me unlike my other 3 sons. And with his disorders I was his advocate in schools, with doctors and treatment. I founght for him or with him everyday for almost 12 years. And then in 45 minutes he was gone.
I am will to talk with anyone from anywhere.
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Gwenda, Bournemouth, Dorset, UK
I lost my precious son Mark to suicide on December 10th 2005. He hanged hismself. He was 35 years old. He was a very happy go lucky boy and there were so many people who loved him dearly. I don't know which way to turn. How do you go on with your life without them?
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Helen
Hi , I recently lost my brother to suicide, he was only 19. I was wondering if anyone could email me who has had a similar experience? Email: howardw78@hotmail.com
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Gena
My son Aaron was 19 when he took his life on Christmas night 2005.His girlfriend had been cheating on him and he and I had gotten into an argument.He waited until his brothers and I went to bed and went outside and shot himself with a shot gun.My husband found him.I am so guilt ridden. He didn't leave a note and he put the Christmas presents I had given him in a pile in his room. I feel if I had apologized he wouldn't have done it. Please write me. glafferty8@aol.com
Code 017
Posted 15 February 2006
Paul and Nina
On 26/01/06 my wife found our 17 year old son Ashley hanging from the bunkbeds in his brother’s bedroom. He had appeared a happy young man. The coroner returned a verdict of "open" as he felt that he hadn't meant to kill himself, but had been messing around or experimenting. Either way my son is gone and he has devastated our family. We didn't see anything coming and we are struggling to get through each day. We would appreciate any help please. Email: nina@blinny.freeserve.co.uk
Code 016
Posted 14 February 2006
Marie
I found my lovely son Tim aged 26, He had hung himself at the top of the stairs on November 21st 2005, and part of me has now died with him. He did leave a note, but we now realise he was so depressed, but hid it really well from all of us. If anyone can ease my feelings of guilt and pain by contacting me by email, I would really appreciate the help.
Code 015
Posted 4 February 2006
Mary, Riverton, Wyoming, US
My son Allen was 18 and had been married three months when he found out she was cheating on him. He shot himself in the head. I miss him, and don't know how to go on with my life. I tried to help him, but he was too lost. I hate her for taking him from my life. I would like to be able to talk to others who might in some small way, understand. I feel lost in a sea of "you poor thing" sentiments from clueless people. Even with all the death I have been surrounded in all my life, never have I been so hopeless, angry, and guilt ridden.
Please someone help me.
Code 013
Posted 26 January 2006
Christine
I lost my 15 year old son just over two months ago, on November 4th, 2005. He hung himself in his room, and I found him. I would welcome any support I can get right now, just getting through the days. We will never know why he did it. He seemed fine. There is a question of clinical depression now....hindsight is wonderful huh?
Code 012
Posted 18 January 2006
Felicity, Johannesburg, South Africa
I lost my 28 year old son when he gassed himself in his car on 1st February 2004. The second anniversary of his death is coming up soon and feel I am coping less with the tradgedy now than ever. I am so depressed about his death, yet angry about the way he exicited this world.He had been struggling with drug addiction for about 14 years and in his suicide note he said he had had enough of the struggle.
I would like to hear from anyone who feels like contacting me.
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Posted 12 January 2006
Lorraine, Bristol, UK
I lost my 18 year old daughter on 24th may 2004. I still don,t know why she hung herself and probably never will.
Iam looking for help in helping her siblings to come to terms with what has happened and would be very grateful for any offered.
Code 010
Posted 6 January 2006
Anthony, Manchester, UK
My son James who was 26 who worked for me went out for lunch at 12pm on Monday the 16th may 2005 and never returned. He went to a park near where we lived and hung himself. I am finding it hard to cope with what’s happened to my son as my heart is broken, so if anyone who's gone through the same and can give me some help, please do.
Code 009
Michelle, LA, US
My name is Michelle. My daugther Alicia took her life on 3/15/05. I didn't have a clue. I feel angry, ashamed, hurt, lost and some days are worser than others. I can't sleep at night because of the way I came home and found her.
Code 008
Posted 2 August 2005
Kathryn, Colon, MI, US
My name is Kathryn Von Gethicker, and have just recently lost my 15 yr. old daughter to suicide. I basically don't know where to begin with the grief, the loss, and the anger. I didn't see it coming, and neither did anyone else. Apparently she was shunned by a boy at school, and couldn't face returning to school the next day to friends who knew about it.
I'm trying to get in contact with others dealing with the same as we may very well be able to help each other.
Code 007
Posted 11-05-05
Jackie, Washington State, US
My daughter, died on March 12, 2005. She hung herself in her dorm room. She left no note.
I'm just really still in shock. I don't know where to start. I would appreciate hearing from anyone. Especially other mothers.
Thank you,
Jackie
Code 006
Doris
Hi,
My name is Doris. I lost my precious child Monique to suicide 16 months agao.
She took her life by gasing herself in our garage in the early hours of the
morning. She was only 20 yeras old. I have joint a support group but it ain't helping at this stage. I seem to be angry at this stage. If anyone feels like me please contact me.
The hurting is killing me inside.
Love Doris
Code 005
Leeanne, Sunshine Coast, Queensland, Australia
On March 17,1999, my son Daimien died by hanging himself. My 14 year old daughter and I came home to find him hanging in the kitchen. He was 20 years old and living with his girlfriend at the time. He had an argument with his girlfriend and had come home for the night. He came home to die.
Nearly six years on and I have spoken to no-one about it, seeked no help and kept my head buried in the sand.
It has, and still is affecting my whole life.
I would very much appreciate hearing from anyone who has survived their tragedy because it's time that I survived mine.
Thankyou for this chance.
Lee
Code 004
Brenda Reeves, Sioux Falls, South Dakota, USA
I lost my 23 year old nephew, who I was the guardian of, Jay D. Jacobson to suicide on March 04, 2002. I also lost my cousin, Terry, in April 1979. Both of them used guns as a means to exit this cruel world. I would love to visit with anyone... location doesn't matter. I love making new friends and sharing stories of our loved ones.
Code: 003
Kathie Carrigan, Germantown, Maryland, USA
I lost my 15year 22 day old daughter on December 6, 2001. She hung herself and left a suicide note. My daughter suffered anorexia, depression and multiople personalities. We believe that the one personality that was the strongest took over because the note did nto sound like my daughter. I would love to communicate with anyone, anywhere inthe world that lost a child.
Code: 002
