Synopsis:
On 31 October 2002, Jan Andersen's 20-year-old son Kristian found a permanent solution to his unhappiness. He left two suicide notes alongside his favourite jacket, before injecting himself with a lethal dose of Heroin. He spent his final night alone, propped against the wall in the stairwell of an ice-cold, dark and inhospitable concrete landing. He died on 1 November 2002 at 12.20pm.
In Jan's frenetic search for understanding and support, she had difficulty finding any resources that truly connected to her raw grief. The very nature of suicide, the stigma, the helplessness and the unanswered questions that accompany the self-murder of a child can isolate grieving families and send them into the wilderness of relentless, silent torture.
Whilst many books on bereavement talked about the range of emotions that one can expect to feel, such as guilt, anger and disbelief, few of them explain how these feelings can truly manifest themselves through uncharacteristic and frightening thoughts and actions. They may talk about stages of grief and recovery, but anyone who has lost a child to suicide will agree that it is a brutal ordeal from which you will never fully recover.
Chasing Death attempts to put honest, but heartrending words to the often incommunicable pain that suicide survivors endure, not only through the telling of Kristian's story, but through the stories of other parents mourning the loss of children who have killed themselves. It will also be an enlightening resource for anyone who knows of someone who has experienced the loss of a child to suicide, by helping them to respond more appropriately - and less insensitively - to the suicide survivor's grief.
Your heart will break as you read this book, but it will provide some sort of solace to other child suicide survivors in knowing that their thoughts and feelings are normal and that they are not alone. This book clearly demonstrates how debilitating the grief that follows suicide can be and how it can still cripple a survivor, ten, twenty, thirty and even forty years or more after the event.
When Chasing Death is published, you will be able to purchase a copy through this site.
Excerpt from Chapter One, Kristian's Story
September 2002 was the last time that I saw my son alive. He visited me with his daughter Kayla, who was just beginning to walk. He looked extremely well and showed absolutely no signs of being under the influence of drugs. He was a tremendously handsome young man with such huge potential that seemed to have been lying dormant for the previous six years.
This visit was just a few weeks after he had been attacked, so I was relieved to see that his face was back to normal, with the exception of a scar and some bruising where his ear had been stitched up. When I asked him why he hadn’t told me about the attack, he said, “Mum, I didn’t want you to worry.”
These were some of the last words that my son would ever say to me.
In response I said to him, “Supposing something like this happens again and you don’t tell me about it. Can you imagine how I’d feel if a policeman were to turn up on my doorstep and tell me that something awful had happened to you? I would always feel that I could have done something to help, had I known about it.”
These were some of the last words that I would ever say to my son.
Five weeks later he ended his life.
Excerpt two from Chapter One:
He was such a beautiful baby and I would spend so much time just kissing his marshmallow cheeks that were softer than the down of a baby bird. There was a no more beautiful and peaceful sight than that when he was sleeping; so angelic, so innocent and so unbelievably perfect that I desperately feared anyone ever hurting him. He was my special little boy.
Exerpt from Chapter Fourteen, Handling Insensitivity from Others:
Another cracking comment that some people feel compelled to offer is, “Suicide is a sin. People who kill themselves go to hell.” In fact there are many unspiritual people still living and making people’s lives hell on earth, with souls far less pure than those victims whose pain was so great that they saw no solution other than suicide. Those who end their lives often view it as an unselfish act, because they have convinced themselves that they are a burden to others and that they are eliminating that burden from the lives of those they know and love. One has to view the life that the victim led and the way in which they behaved towards others, rather than judge them on the way in which they chose to die. To talk about heaven and hell in such black and white terms to anyone, let alone those who may not hold the same blinkered beliefs, is extremely spiteful.
My spiritual learnings have taught me that we do not sin; we simply learn and make many mistakes along the way. God is not responsible for anything bad that happens in this world; we are. We were all given the freedom of choice and what happens to us is very much dependant on the choices that we make; both good and bad. Likewise, you do not have to visit a place of worship to be spiritual. God never instructed anyone to build churches or temples, or to worship or fear him. Neither did he impose rules and regulations about what one should wear, or say, or do. We can talk to our spiritual guides, Angels and God at any time and in any place. Those who are truly spiritually enlightened do not condemn others or judge, irrespective of their beliefs, nor do they try and brainwash others by knocking on their doors and ramming their beliefs down others’ throats. This is something to be remembered whenever any pious individual attempts to preach to you about God, sin or religion. Essentially, all orthodox religions are an attempt to control and gain power over others, which is never spiritual and certainly not borne out of love.
Sadly, many people are chained within the beliefs and behaviour of others, even though they may query these beliefs in their hearts, afraid that if they dare speak out and question the rules and regulations of their culture, they may attract the wrath of those who are unable to open their minds to any other concept.
